Under New Management
CLOSING SATURDAY 2 - 5pm
An activist-investor recently forced Fastnet to undergo a corporate diagnostic.
We did due diligence and hired a Beltway consultancy firm to advise us on streamlining resources and improving effectiveness.
Their advisements were as follows:
• Replace the Creative Director with an artificial intelligence program that chooses art based on the nocturnal movements of cats at 700 Columbia Street and Instagram;
• De-layer Fastnet staff by removing all middle-management;
• Downsize Facilities Dept. and conduct a lean six sigma agile reconfiguration of Operations Dept.;
• Eliminate Compliance Department because any and all watchdog organizations are unfamiliar with navigable routes to Red Hook, Brooklyn;
• Onboard outside security agency to offset insurance liability, eg. 700 Columbia Stray Cat and Sons.;
•Upload all inventory to the cloud. Dispose of all physical inventory by compressing it into pellets to be burned in wood pellet stove;
• Create cosmetic marquee initiatives to quell unrest and garner public approval;
• Rejuvenate branding [hire digital marketing consultants] with an emphasis on millennials;
• Integrate user-friendly tech platforms with a mobile app, lease backdoor to big data firm.
Upon consideration the recommendations seemed reasonable to the shareholders at Fastnet.
We are happy to report that they have already been fully implemented with the fiscal year of 2019.